Your questions……answered

From time to time we here at smokerspack towers we get emails, although we try to answer all of them personally there are a few that we get regularly, so here is a selection of them with our ahem…answers.
What car should I buy with 5000 Euro?
It very much depends on what you want to use the car for, if you have family or your single, between jobs or fancy some track days. Try to be more specific with your question, something like, I have five grand and no girlfriend, what car should I buy to attract the ladies? The answer to that is easy, don’t buy a car. Have a shave, loose the hoodie and get a nice suit, go out on a Saturday night and don’t buy anything illegal, then just tell the first girl you meet that you have five grand and your looking for as good time, job done.
Would you like a bigger penis in three weeks?
No, it took me 38 years to grow the one I have and I like it.
Should I get my car checked before going to the NCT?
Don’t be silly, just go do the NCT and if you fail go get what you failed on fixed and do the retest.
Why don’t you test more cars?
I only have one arse, hence I can only test one car at a time. There’s more tests coming, including a very big one.
When are you going to test a Zonda?
You show me a dealer selling a Zonda and I’ll show you a dealer that’s about to go bust. Smokerspack will test any car that’s on the road in Ireland, but alas some cars are even out of our reach, so far…
I have a warning light on the dashboard, what could it be?
There are loads of warning lights on cars, could be anything from an oil light to an engine management light, go to your dealer and ask what it is, pay the man and he’ll fix it. Or you could look in the deep hole that contains your drivers manual, there’ll be a picture of the light with an explanation of what it means. Type the explanation in an email, send it too me and I’ll explain it to you then.
How hard is it to service my own car?
That depends on the type of engine and car we are talking about. In general terms if you can take the back wheel off a racing bike with gears then you can probably service your own car. Try getting a Haynes manual.
What car would you recommend for a first time learner driver?
Simple, a 1ltr 99 Nissan Micra, you can fit 5 people in it, it can’t go very fast, you won’t care if you scratch it, cheap tax and insurance. Yes it’s a granny car but it beats walking.
I can’t afford to change my car this year, the car I’m driving needs a few jobs doing to it that I can’t afford to do that either, what should I do?
Give up drinking, go on a lean diet and start exercising, because you’ll be walking to work shortly if you don’t get your car sorted. Or you could just work harder.
How do you become a race driver?
I have no idea, why don’t you go to Mondello next time there’s a race on and ask a driver. Better still take your car on a track day and give us all a laugh.
How do manufacturers get so much horse power from small engines?
The assembly plant has a special room where all the workers stand and chant as the engines pass by, they sing to the god of horse power and lo the engines get special powers.
Who were you calling a flute in the Fiat 500 video?
James Last was passing by rather slowly on his bicycle while playing a flute, I was merely telling him to hurry up.

That’s it folks, if you have any questions you like answered, serious or not then please email